I am autistic. I want to stay in a bubble and not be rattled. I want to sit in a slightly darker corner and stim to my heart’s content – rock if I want to, “dance” if I want to, flap if I want to, twist my hands if I want to. I want to walk from my house to the store without being interrupted (or harassed about my “inappropriate” facial expression).
Books are my happy place. Music can be a safe sound. I like movies because they show me what is “acceptable” social behavior without judging me for not knowing, and so I know how to act in those sort of situations when I meet them in real life.
I know a lot. My third favorite thing to do is to observe people. (The second is to obsess over why humans do what they do). The first is to have internal conversations. I used to be my own best friend, then I met the Holy Spirit. He knows a lot, understands me and everything more than anyone else could, and doesn’t judge. With Him, there’s no right or wrong, only righteousness. There’s no good or bad, only sin and better. He sees me as I am, recognizes how much of effort it requires, and pushes me to grow. And so I do – put in the work, do the extra, show up for others (even when it’s hard/hurts) – because I know He loves me without equivocation, and wants the best for me.
I love my heavenly Father. He cares in a way that no other human ever can. I love His children – we are all God’s children. Some of them just don’t know it yet. They’re my siblings, but sometimes they do things that hurt others. Because of this, I owe everyone love, but not access. They do not need to have access to my bubble. Maybe later, when they have grown, or become better. But not now. I need my bubble to be safe to be able to function.
My apartment is the safest place, because it’s mine. It has my squishy toys and favorite books and calming scents and minimal noise. Things are arranged the way I like it, and nobody moves it, so it feels safe. I can do and undo from in here. I can move mountains, influence groups, teach, train, consult, share, listen to others …be a safe, happy place for others.
I’m grateful for technology. For the ability to reach others without needing to be physically present, or arrange my face, tone and expressions to suit what they think it should look like. To be me, and allow people to be themselves – and they don’t get to intrude as much. I like how technology and chatting apps allow me to show the emotion or expression that I really feel, even when my face is not cooperating, or my body is to tired to move. Stickers and emojis and gifs are next best thing since strawberries. They tell the words and share the expressions better than I can. For the opportunity to deep-dive into new fields of interest and take knowledge quests from safe spaces.
Some say my journey is slow. I’m fighting different demons. Some say it’s fast. Again, I am fighting different demons. It’s my journey, not anyone else’
I am Hadassah bath YHWH
Daughter of the Living God
Daughter of the Living God